How to create bad music

by Stonda/Extended Mind^Nano

Numerous people have asked me to write an article for all wanna-be-lousy-musicians. Composing bad music is an artform. Some folks can do it and some don't. Being a lousy musician isn't always easy. You have be careful when composing music , maybe you'll do something good. And we don't want to compose good music, do we?

Well, let's hope that you can compose bad music.

Step 1. If possible, you shouldn't have any previous musicial experience (but at least you should be able to use a tracker or ask your tracker friend to help).
Step 2. Open a tracker.
Step 3. Start to rip samples (lots of them).
Step 4. Convert 60% of the samples to Amiga format and pan them like crazy.
Step 5. Randomize all your notes + the drumline.
Step 6. Grab your microphone, push record and start yelling weird sounds.
Step 7. Use the yelling sound about 100 times in your song.
Step 8. Also you should repeat a few parts from your song 15 times.
Step 9. Force people to listen to it. If your song causes headache, you've succeeded.
Step 10. The filesize should not be under 5 megabytes.

If my tips have caused any damage to any kind of electrical devices or lifeforms, I would be very pleased.

Stonda/Extended Mind^Nano
Toni Saarikko