The Art of Rambling

Avalanche/Trinity/Cryogen

I need a topic. And I need one fast. Let's see. How about "Killer petunias?" No... too realistic. How about "Blobs, friend or foe?", no, overdone. Wait! I have it! "The Art of Rambling." Yes, I like it. Modern, yet cozy. Okay, now just give me a second to get started up on this 'ramble' thing...

Okay, well, a ramble is a collection of words and sentences on a bunch of topics, it doesn't really make sense and very few people are able to appreciate, let alone read it. Well, talk about depressing. Let's just change that explanation into: a ramble is... nice, and reminds me of flowers.

Okay, now we can start discussing this art form we call rambling. Okay, now you've read all the great ramblers, such as Clarke, Hartmann, and of course Shakespeare, and now you want to get started yourself right? Well, ok, if that's what you want.

Okay, before you start writing, it might be a good idea to be able to also vocally, ramble. You know, like that guy from that sentence: "Buy washer machines, compact discs, choose life etc. etc." Got that into your head? Ok, now say it very fast, but not too fast, we wouldn't want you spilling any of that tasty martini you're holding in your hand there. Okay, you've probably pronounced the sentence correctly, if you haven't, keep trying until you do, and don't spill the martini.

Okay, now you're ready for step 2. Drink the martini. Wait, I see you've already done that. Okay, time for step 3. Think of a nice big long sentence yourself. One which preferably resembles the text one might see in tpolm demos, they are excellent examples of rambles. Now, you've got one? Okay, good, forget it, because it's not very good. Think of another, and once you have, write it down.

Excellent! You've created your first ramble! Don't change it, you will love it for eternity, or at least until the muppet show starts showing reruns.

Okay, but I see your ramble doesn't really have a topic. Well, nobody said rambles were easy. (Or was that hard?) Okay, back to the drawing board. You see, in order to create a finished ramble, you do need a center topic, but in the process of talking about that topic, you stray off-topic, litter the ramble with nice trivial sentences and finally come back to the topic again. Of course, this is the standard 101 ramble rule, there are various types of rambles, but once you progress, you must discover these types yourself. Okay, now you know a little more, and seeing as you probably have some experience with writing texts or articles, you're going to proofread it after a day or 2. Right? Yes, well, don't.

You see, the perfect ramble is written down in one long hard stroke, between 5 and 5000 minutes. Whatever it takes bub. And you don't change it afterwards. I mean, come on... change it? Rambles are littered with sentences which resemble tomatoes which were grabbed by an old lady in the middle of summer in Amsterdam, then baked, with just a hint of pepper, and then eaten by accident by a stranger who was invited into dinner after he had almost suffered a car accident caused by a 15-year-old kid who stole a car in order to have a joyride since his parents forbid him to so as they had strict parents themselves and why, just look what that strictness brought them to, the tomatoe packaging factory, hmm, damn, what a coincidence. Well, enough of this already, It's making my head spin.

Okay, the art of rambling, that's what we started talking about in the first place, and we hardly strayed off topic, making this one of the worst rambles I have ever written down (sigh). Oh well, I might just as well grow peppers out of my nose. But anyway, I have started this rant and now I must finish it as well. Okay back to this artform which I think I just lost, not sure.

Rambles are nice. Like flowers which spray water, you know those fake ones you can buy to put onto your suit? They come equipped with a holder can for the water and this thing you can push into in order to make the flower squirt the water which is so neatly contained in the container of water which came equipped with the squirting flower. Oh, I'm straying off topic again, maybe this ramble isn't so bad after all. Okay, well, I guess I have nothing more to teach you.

Avalanche, the pile of snow which falls down a mountain yearly killing some 1024 innocent American tourists in a resort near the alps which also sells fake squirting flowers, has spoken.

Avalanche/Trinity/Cryogen