The richest computer illiterate alive

Avalanche/Trinity/Cryogen

"Oh no", I exclaim as for the third time that day I see smoke eminating from some unknown location behind my mega-sized ATX computer casing. "This might well be yet another long night, might as well get something light to drink, I have a headache already", I tell myself, wondering why I'm talking to myself, then wondering why I'm thinking out aloud. Hmmm. I walk down to my liqour cabinet and get some Bacardi, mix it up with some Orange Juice, and to top it off, rasp some cheese in there with it. "Ah, perfection", I fail to finish the sentence as I just realized I was talking to myself again.

Arriving upstairs once more, I notice the computer caught fire. Hmm, perhaps that smoke should have been a clue. Oh well, there's always that fire emergency thing. I have absolutely no idea why just about every computer I have had went up in smoke, or at the very least had a hard (drive) attack. Well, time to unpack one from the supply of computers I had ready for just such an emergency. It definitely is a nice thing to be rich. If I could only remember how I became rich in the first place, I might just be able to become even richer. Hmm.

Woohoo, it works, that stupid admin at my ISP even kept my account intact after I dumped hi.... ehm... never mind that. It's probably not important for this story anyhow.

As I log in, I notice this weird icon on my Windows start menu. As I pull my mouse cursor over it, it mysteriously disappears. Oh well, must have been one of those MS jokes you hear so often about, the guys at Microsoft sure have a lot of humour, if you call causing massive suicides during working hours funny. I happen to do.

Email.... I wonder why I get all these porn links in my mail from people I know. Have I done something to offend them? Hmm, a mail from Mike: "You got the Melissa virus you DOPE!" Huh? Does he mean I love Melissa? As people often use the word virus in association with women to indicate you're hopelessly in love. I don't even know anybody named Melissa. Well, there might be that gay transvestite living next door, but he doesn't talk much, so I don't know if his/her name is Melissa, it might just as well be Clarissa. Ah.... Clarissa... hmm..... errr... never mind.

IRC, ah, the joys of talking with complete idiots about things that don't really matter, like last night's flower delivery. Uhm, yeah. Hmmm, my computer disconnects from IRC with a message that I'm killed. Or at least that's the only word I can make out amongst all that other techno mumbo jumbo. Ha, stupid computer, I'm not dead. You hear all this stuff about artificial intelligence, but yet they still can't see the difference between life and death. Yeah, really intelligent, boy, this kind of shit pisses me off all the time. All those "geeks" who think they know how computers work. Yeah, I bet they all use crappy operating systems like Linux. Probably couldn't even use Internet Explorer. Yeah, at least Windows only crashes twice a day. Well. On average anyway.

Hmm, what is this? My website has been replaced by just a text. It says: "w3 0wN3 y0 PfuNk 455!" Hmmm, perhaps the server is the down. I don't quite understand what those numbers mean, must remember to mail someone about this. Maybe Microsoft can explain this error message. Yeah, that's all right.

Woohoo, I got a reply from Microsoft! Let's see...... dear MS user, blablabla....... we have looked at the 'error' transcript you sent us. We have determined this error is because of a bug in our security system. Please don't tell anybody about it.

Hmm...

Oh damn, my computer crashed. Again.

Avalanche/Trinity/Cryogen

(The above work is fictional. This guy doesn't exist, we all know what the error "w3 0wN3 y0 PfuNk 455!" means, it's a general exception failure.)

"Avalanche?"
"Yeah?"
"You stupid."