Gaffer's arse

Written by Sagacity

If, like me, you like to IRC (BUT STILL BE PRODUCTIVE! :)) you might occasionally wander into #coders. Now, as Goblin carefully pointed out in Hugi#13, this channel is a pit of evil. Thankfully, it is saved by the completely inane ramblings of the people we wisely put on the other side of the planet: the Australians.

You see, these people seem to be a little strange. Perhaps it's because the toilets flush the other way around. It may be the little cork dangling from their hats. It might even be the influence of trashy soaps. Although occasionally some good comes out of them (gawd bless 'em all), they seem to have a strange fixation for a certain part of the human anatomy. Yes, I am talking about the arse, one of nature's most useful orifices (or is it orifii, I forget).

The arse, in all its glory, is discussed in minute detail on this channel. They can freely do so, since half of the people on #coders seem to be Aussie anyway (quite why this is so, is unclear. Perhaps the cheap phonecosts? Nah!). Here's a small reconstruction of a typical time on #coders (this is entirely plausible, but fictional; handles changed due to privacy reasons):

<Sagacity> Hi all. Is Gaffer around?
<Lobgin> the arse. yep, he really is a true arse. why do you require his services?
<Sagacity> I just want to report that PTC bugs.
<rARSEter> You may want to check the vinicity of *my* arse. He could be there.
<ryG> And what an arse he is. etc.

The strange thing is, all non-Aussie #coders frequenters seem to be completely ignorant to the Arse Phenonemon, as it's being called by the US Government. But there's a theory.

Years ago, a small weatherballoon crashed in America. It was quickly dismissed by the US Government but decreed a UFO by the people and press. Ofcourse, it *WAS* a UFO but the aliens inside that craft decided to move away from the USA (understandable) and move to another, preferably English-speaking, land. You see, the aliens' language was strikingly similar to English, except for one major difference. The meanings of the words "arse" and "friend" were swapped. Anyhow, the aliens headed west and found themselves in a country filled with people they could not understand. They headed south until they came upon a bit of land overflowing with kiwis. That, too, didn't do it to 'em, so they headed further down. After finally hitting land again (and ignoring any didgeridoos poked up their "friend") they settled. Of course, they mated and had children. And these children are the people you find on #coders. It all makes sense, doesn't it?

Roughly translated from English to Alien, here's what the #coders log REALLY said:

<Sagacity> Hi all. Is Gaffer around?
<Lobgin> the friend. yep, he really is a true friend. why do you require his services?
<Sagacity> I just want to report that PTC bugs.
<rARSEter> You may want to check the vinicity of *my* friend. He could be there.
<ryG> And what a friend he is.

It's all so damn simple, if you know how. "And knowing is half the battle", as a not-at-all-cool cartoon used to end with.


"He who has the Xoun-muts has the power"