Exclusive Interview with Psychic Symphony

Psychic Symphony / Evolve

About one month ago, after I had finished interviewing sol/trauma, he told me I should interview myself! I was a little surprised though I just reckoned he meant I talked alot about myself...

About one day ago Programmer asked me who I wanted to be interviewed by. I was confused... I didn't, and still don't think anyone knows me well enough for an interview! But that didn't stop me from interviewing people I didn't knew a lot for demojournal such as skrig, thorsten and rbecue and even sol! It didn't really matter to them, but it matters to me!

This is not an article about me being good enough not to let anyone interview me, go away if you think it is! This article is about myself! I guess I have the impression only I know the right questions which I would like to answer or even not to be questioned on...

So here we go, I'll use my alter-ego hidden-fx to do the questions for me, just imagine he actually exists and is trying desperatly to catch me unnoticedly:

State your name, date of birth, alien origins and height!

OK! Psychic Symphony, 19/12/79, I wished not earth, 1.91!

Why Psychic Symphony, why don't you want to say your own name?

I don't like it, my name is Filipe Cruz, Filipe means friend-of-horses in Greek or Latin or whatever and Cruz means cross and I don't believe in god or religions!

Why don't you believe in religions?

With respect to all religion believers, I think it's stupid, and I am not a spoiled brat who thinks his world is the greatest and thinks he can have a valid opinion! My opinion doesn't matter. It should! Most of us think the opposite. And that's stupid! Philosophy is stupid also. Same as sciences who study human-behaviour! Things like being able to speak have always been taken for granted and are just a tiny detail in our entire existence. We should look beyond our frontiers, widen our horizons. Look, the very word I used... Horizons... It's limit, if our planet was smaller or larger they would have different meanings! It's all relative, our entire existence!

Some people say you shouldn't think so much about these things...

They are stupid also! They do what their parents planned for them, if not parents then grand-parents, our whole life is being planned ahead and we treat it like it's a normal thing! Some people hypocritically say life is a gift! It's not on our sights. For us, it happens every day... Hurray another baby is born, let's celebrate and get really drunk! On the whole universe though it's just as insignificant as these words I'm writing!

I see... Oh well... Let's move on... You're quite tall!

Yes, i was short and fat until around 10 years of age. I cried lots of times with people telling me I was fat! I grew up normally and ended up very tall, I broke my arm around... 4 I think! So I never had a good aim at basketball. I was almost always the base player on the team or the guy who would defend their base player! I had the best ball-control and passes. I always gave my best, it was never enough. We would always lose! Once the game started, I gained ball-possession on the air-throw giving the ball to one of my best friends at the time, he was alone in front of the basket, he scored. The only two points our team had in the whole game! It was a great feeling. I recall I always wanted to win on our next game... I always started the game giving my very best, stopping opponents from shooting at any cost, I would normally come out with 5 fouls before the 1st quarter. Normally crying, not because I was out of the game but because I knew our team wouldn't win!

Er... OK! That was very... interesting... so you're 18 now? What is your current occupation?

I'm studying to become a civil engineer. Don't ask me why, someone convinced me that there was no future with computer engineering and so I put civil first and informatics next on my university application. I tried not to get a good mark on the exams not to enter on civil, or at least I like to think that way. I'm in the second year now... Only flunked memorizing disciplines on first term and those I didn't really give a damn cuz i was more interested in going to Wired '98 on the second term. I don't care, I have time. Most of my mates have flunked the harder classes and are already 19! It doesn't really matter to me since I hate studying and would be a lot more happy by getting a job at programming somewhere although that's impossible due to many reasons including: a) Portugal sucks! b) I don't have much experience! c) I don't like ripping other people's code or ideas!

Are you trying to get a job with this interview?

Let's just say I am very hard-working, persistent and want to stop studying! Yes, I would like to work. But I cannot force anyone to invite me since I know I am not up to any job they might give me. I hate my life!

Aren't you a bit weird? Life is supposed to be fun!

Says who? Distance? I stopped caring on what he says long time ago. Don't actually know why!

Don't you have any non-scene friends?

Yes. Lots of them. Too many, why do you ask?

You seem to hate your life for no apparent reason, ever tried talking to someone?

Yes and no... My friends are weird. Most only know one side of me and ignore all the rest! I have computer friends who only care about me because of my classical games collection. The let's get drunk to death gang. The typical good-behaved friends. Some girls over the net who I normally scare the living shit off with my non-stopping problems! I talk too much!

You don't have a girl-friend?

No! I had some when i was little, somewhere on the move from school I lost all friends and never managed to talk openly with girls until I came to university! I don't know why, I think I'll never find the right person! Like with my friends, most girls just know one side of me: Some think me as a computer-nerd, some as a smart guy who likes to show off. Some as the weird guy who just says hello! I can walk all through university and say around 20 hellos to completely different people who know me for completely different reasons! When I normally reach the computer rooms I always wonder about it... Well I don't wonder about it but... Who cares?

And what about your scene-friends?

What about them?

Er...

I have lots of friends, from the times I was without IRC, to the days I decided to hang around on this particular channel, the guys I met thru demojournal or plainly met at Wired '98. Actually kombat and scorpik were the only guys I met at Wired '98! Oh, and screamager!

How was Wired '98? You said something about exams and that party.

Yes. I decided I had passed enough disciplines already (3) and that it wouldn't matter if I took that week-end to meet some people and get out of home for a change! I flunked the other three. I don't know if it was because of over-excitment of knowing about going, or if it was post journey excitement... Whatever it was... I flunked the rest!

You don't seem to care!

I don't! Fuck them!

So you went to Wired, so what?

I was expecting more but it was fun nonetheless. My first party! Seeing people around me commenting on my demo while I couldn't stop smilling. I was almost alone, I didn't tell anyone during the compo that it was mine but it wasn't important. It was a shitty demo! I was very happy to see scorpik coming up to me and try to give me some feedback. It didn't really matter what he was saying, if he meant it or if it was just to cheer me up. I almost cried of happiness... I told him: Doesn't matter! I know it sucks! I'm not a very good coder!. I cannot possibly describe how surprised I was after that short dialogue. I wasn't remotly thinking about my demo when I said howdy to him... He started talking... I wasn't even really caring on what others would think of it, it was just an excuse to go there! As I was saying, I wasn't really aware of it, then I said bye and started thinking about it and I got really, really happy. To know that someone as, well... not legendary, but definitly one of the best trackers who will ever live, noticed that that was my doing and wanted to give me his opinion!

What about kombat?

He was asleep at the time. He had much to do to get his demo to work and didn't see mine on the big-screen, that was kind of disappointing but it doesn't really matter, we became good friends! I guess it was with the talking while getting something to eat or travelling to the airport or trying over and over to get the network working! We didn't really have any special talk, but there was no need to say more. We both understood each other's thoughts perfectly! I am very happy to have such a good coder as a friend. Actually I have thought a couple of times if my talk about religion wouldn't be insulting him but he never complained so I think he understands my point of view, the same way as I accept his! Whatever it would be!

You do talk too much... Tell me, why did you start demojournal?

Around December '97 I tried to get a Portuguese diskmag going. I was a lamer, no one really cared. And from those days over I realized Portuguese sceners are almost all big stupid lamers! The ones smart enough to know this isn't meant for them are the exceptions!

Names, names!

No names! If you think I am insulting you then it's because you are really a part of the stupid lamers group and thus deserve to be included!

You didn't answer the question...

Oh yes... In the process of getting my mag on the run I invited Brainpower over to take a look. He told me it sucked. That I oughta get more diskmags out of the net! I asked him where from (I only had net shorter before). A couple of days later we both went to my university, and he showed me Hornet, told me which kick-ass demos to leech as well as diskmags! I leeched every single thing I would get my hands on! I came upon Shine #2... I mailed baloo about it and my plans for my mag... Within weeks I rephrased my position and quit my project in exchange of seeing my articles on Shine #3 supposed to come out around April back then! I started writing specific articles about specific subjects aimed for Shine from there on... You can see the result in Shine #3. I wrote articles as I was getting new stuff from the net and coding some new-effects for my soon to be Wired '98 demo called skyscape.

Demojournal!

Oh yeah... After Wired '98 I was bored! After reading AoG#4 I joined The Utopians and Arf!studios and around the same date (as you can read in Hugi #12) I started demojournal. It was a simple issue, nothing fancy, a lot of lame stuff in there but it was hard to get stuff for it from nowhere!

And...

And I spread number 1 around and got a subscription request by salami! I was like... Very surprised. Distance also sent me some votes and addies the very next day. And so the idea of a number 2 seemed ok! Number 2 came out as a tribute to Hornet. Some people liked it and decided also to subscribe! Number 3 brought a lot of backfire since the 'demonewz' section (stupid rumours) started getting misinterpreted and this was how I met Szum. With one very pissed off email DEMANDING excuses! I thought... Oh, shit, what am I getting into? And replied in the most formal and professional way I could do! I decided to stop that section and around here I got a very curious mail from Adok which made a totally devastating and ridiculous review of my issue 1! I was tottaly pissed! The feeling of seeing my name on the article's header soon turned from happiness to sorrow... With each word he wrote I was more and more disappointed! I kept releasing demojournal to prove him wrong and meanwhile Hugi #12 was released and with it again the article and some news taking back to some old demojournal issue which messed with the Utopians! Zippy (organizer of The Utopians) got some stupid mails on reply to Utopians and The Gathering biz and got pissed at me writing some pretty heavy stuff on The Utopians mailing list! He says he's not pissed at me but at the guys who wrote those mails, since I'm a peaceloving guy I said ok, no more demonewz or anything Utopian-related in demojournal unless you aprove! He accepted and everything was settled! At this time people still think me, Zippy, Adok and Szum have unsolved problems but actually no! I never heard from Zippy again, Adok started contributing to demojournal and is quite a good friend of mine and Szum turned out to be a peaceloving Polish dude aswell!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Sorry... And what now?

Well... Now I'm tired being greeted every time I enter IRC and having my mailbox full of demojournal stuff so I just moved everything to an hotmail account and asked Szum to take care of it for a couple of weeks! I'll do whatever I feel like doing on these days I have left before I'm back on business. The truth is I am not satisfied with demojournal! For some strange reason I don't like writing for a big audience and last time I checked demojournal had 117 subscribers plus the people who have read it on csipd and gotten it from several ftp's... I have a lot of friends but I cannot help thinking they just care about me for what I stand for on demojournal. Yes, I'm weird!

You keep on saying you have many friends... Where are they now?

I don't know... Some are studying, some getting drunk, some reading demojournal, some looking at my demos at home. Some just idling on IRC and others are probably sleeping.

And none of them ever asked you these questions?

I avoid answering! For some strange reason I like to keep some mistery surrounding who I am! Whatever I write and whatever someone reads, they don't know me! It always has been this way, it always will! I am just too complex! I guess everyone is. I don't really know my friends very deeply aswell. I know what their life stands for and that is enough to make me realize I don't want to be like that! I can't spend my life doing what society expects from me or wasting my life either! I guess I just have to live my own life! I often think it would be quicker if I just killed myself but then I start thinking on how so many lazy people there are out there and I say: no, I need to get a goal in life, I need to do something new... I often get bored trying to find my next goal... My latest was to get demojournal to be known! So people would notice me as a demoscener. Now that has happened I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like a spoiled brat who can't choose one of his two favourite toys! My next goal is to meet my friends live! After this term I must travel to some party! I HAVE to. It's not a possibility! It's that or lack of direction!

You are weird! Why did you start writing this?

Because of Sol, I wrote that back there!

What happened?

Not much, he just has good argumentative points and I always like discussing subjects with interesting people. Sol happens to be one of my so-called role-models! Life I would like to have if I was not myself! Intelligent life yet well measured and controlled by society! I just worship his way of life, same I do with Virne, Melwyn, Distance, Rod, Hoplite, Cyg, Unreal, Slyde, Scorpik or Kombat! Nothing to do with respect because I respect everyone the same. Although some ways of life I find appealing and others I don't and I would like to see myself in one of these guys' life. All intelligent and with a brilliant background and future! I don't believe I'll ever fit in such a category! Maybe it's my personality, maybe it's because of bad timing. I dunno!

Now what?

Now, I already went through Chemical Brothers and Underworld CD's... time for TheORb! This first tune is awesome. I'll have to do a trackmo of this one one of these days. It will go up to 4megs but who cares! I want to see this on a big screen with the music and the letters synced waving back and forth! And then some decent 3D scene when the phat beats come in... 'Loving you... Is easy coz you're beautiful! Lalalalala...'

?

Yeah... 7 minutes of dancing music! You drop in some effects that show some scenes, sync some sounds, show some pics, no one will notice that the damn tune never ends! By no time we'll be back to lyrics 'How were the skies when we were young?'. And then we get back to business with the lyrics... And then when the moody bit comes 'layering different sounds' we can have some decent scenes! Yeah! This is a nice idea. I'll just go and learn proper C and do a 3D engine and get some good gfx artists and find someone who has the patience to get the whole thing into wave and then calculate the speed and time it to cut into samples like on outside! Yeah! I'll do it someday! Here we go... I got a goal! I'm going to live a little bit longer! Somone will probably tell me I am not a decent coder and I'll give up the idea some time soon but who cares?

I think this is it! Want to say hi to anyone?

No, no one really understands me. And I only got a greet from rod/mandula and tatanka so far, these were the only ones who gave me a greet! I must say hi to kombat though! I told him he didn't have to greet me! Oh and thanks to melwyn for entering my intro at Dreamhack '98 and djamm for being a cool and friendly tracker. And of course my 3 friends in evolve, shock, idiotboy and nephoo! Hi to lots of guys from Hungary since they also cheered me up lots of times. And to Sol for being a cool guy! And distance for thinking life is a game! And barbatron for helping me with Watcom! And cyg+slyde for help on my stupid, slow, Pascal distortions! I guess that's all... Dave and magnesium for trying to help me with demojournal and Programmer and Adok for... well... talking with me basically!

I thought you wrote no in the beginning!

I did, but either you greet hardly anyone or roughly everyone. And believe me, this list is very incomplete! BTW - Sorry if you're not in here!

What time is it?

3am!

When did you start writing?

Around 00:30!

Nearly 3 hours?

Well... 2 CD's equal almost 3 hours! And I'm on the 3rd CD!

You do talk a lot!

Comes with the territory!

OK! That is it... Any other words?

Yeah: I am weird, don't talk with me! Leave me alone! Go away you all! Oh, well... OK, you can talk! But just for a little and don't assume you know me remotly because you have no idea of the memories I left untold.

Why did you create me?

I don't know! I was writting this story called stardust and I just didn't like to see my name at the end! So I wrote GFXhidder but then renamed it to hidden-fx.

Oh! I see... What's stardust?

Something I started writing after gazing at the stars for a couple of minutes after disconnecting net right after dj#13 had been released! I.e. my sort-of meditating vacations started!

To which diskmag is this going?

I don't know! I don't care! I write what I feel like writing. What happens to the file is unimportant as long as I can read it again one day! I enjoy reading old stuff! The more I have to read the better! Makes me think on the minimalistical and pointless life we have as well and how important some even smaller details are!

- Psychic Symphony