The Demoscene good nutrition guide!

by Dr Jack Spaniel


There's been a lot of uproar recently, over the issue of 'junk food' and the harmful effects that it has on people. There is a consensus that an excess of this is bad for you, and that junk food should be shunned.

Now personally, I, Doctor Jack Spaniel, of the Liverwurst Institute of Healthy Eating, disagree with the conclusions of the majority.

To hear these so-called "experts" go on about it, you might think that the average demo scener weighs 27 stone, and spends all his time vomiting up half-formed faecal matter. However, this groundbreaking article will go on to show the real nutritional benefits of the typical demo scener diet!

So now we consider some common fallacies, and the truth surrounding our favourite foods.

Coca Cola ...

... or the legions of supermarket own-branded imitators..

Firstly, we consider the premier drink of demo sceners across the world. This is traditionally favoured for its stimulating properties, especially handy when you are up all night to beat a deadline, or up all night because the sleeping facilities at a party aren't survivable by non-Inuit people!

For its sheer life-supporting properties over a stressful three or four day period, Coca Cola has got to come at the top of the list of any self-respecting sceners's daily intake. Yes, you will become a caffeinated zombie by the end, running a heavily optimised 4k version of reality in your brain, but this is an interesting sensation in itself!

Regrettably Coca Cola no longer has cocaine as part of the secret ingredient, so you will have to add some of your own!

The humble Pot Noodle

Though sneeringly dismissed as the "Slag of all Snacks", Pot Noodle is amazingly healthy. It can be considered as practically vegetarian, with a combination of noodles, split peas, rubbery things that look a bit like meat, but aren't, and a secret sauce to flavour it all. This might come in useful for veggies who are otherwise stuck in a currywurst desert. Pot Noodle is scientifically proven to contain two of your five daily required portions of fruit and veg.

Have a couple, and you're practically home and dry!

The only downside to it might be with access to a suitable hot water supply in certain locations. If your kettle is illegally plugged into a demo party organisers ring main, for example, and blows up the competition showing computers, the resulting loss of limbs and painful death by lynch mob may well cancel out any health benefits gained from eating the Pot Noodle?

The deadly Currywurst!

This is a traditional standby of German demo parties. The smell of it is greeted by the equally traditional cries from non-German sceners, of "Oh god, not again!!" In spite of appearing and tasting like classic junk food, Currywurst is actually a brilliant dieting aid. It is especially good for rapid (as in uncontrolled high pressure spurting through a narrow hole) weight loss through diarrhoea!

Macdonalds, oooh scary!

Of all the junk-food items, this is the most reviled and misunderstood. For one thing, it is almost vegetarian, with over 4 billion burgers, or whatever number it is now sold, approximately half a dozen cows have died in their making. These cows have probably died of age-related natural causes, so if you're a veggie through moral anti-slaughter reasons, there's no need to get upset there either!

It is still junk food and you do gain weight if you insist on 'supersizing', or gulping down the concentrated raw burger slurry through a rubber tube. But taken in moderation, it should be ok. To get the additional benefit of a Children's 'Happy Meal', just add Prozac, according to taste!

Beer, lovely beer!

Beer is your best friend, beer is the whole point of a demo party for many people. Indeed, the value of beer almost deserves an article in itself, but we've only got these few scarce pages to work with, so let's see what we can do.

Firstly, we start with the inherent food value for beer. This is top notch, and not for nothing is it known as "liquid bread". Indeed some people go through a whole party without anything else!

Of course, with beer, the party atmosphere improves, as social barriers are broken down, and people are inspired to try entering that slightly risky wild compo demo, or other things which might be the stuff of contentious topic threads?

If inhibitions have been broken down too far, then beer has a further use in hand-to-hand combat with rival scener groups, (if it is thrown whilst it is still in the tins!)

Of course, the primary aim is intoxication. This is always a useful escape mechanism, if the party and the people in it suck too much! Of course, a select few manage to spend all their party time viewing proceedings through vomit-coated lenses!

Finally, not many of you many be aware of the anti-ageing properties of beer. When you go numb from extreme intoxication, it slows down tissue deterioration. A really dedicated beer fanatic would come out of a four day demo party, only some three hours and fifty minutes older in real terms! Perhaps more research should be done into beer as a viable room temperature cryogenic agent?

Truly, beer is the Swiss army knife of food!

Other drinks such as vodka will also come under this category, so go on, have some, have lots! (But I don't really need to tell you that, do I?)

Industrial strength solvents ...

... a wobble on the wild side!

These are only for the truly dedicated scener. They have similar effects to beer, but x10, plus other things like a purple mistiness, and visions of the siege of Vienna, and if you are really lucky, death..

They should not be attempted without prior medical advice, unless you are a Finnish scener!

Pizza, the king of Demoscene cuisine!

Not for nothing is pizza the first choice for the demo scener seeking more substantial fare. It is humourously known as "fat vitamins" by some. This is perhaps a little bit unfair, for even pizza is healthy once you analyse what goes into making one. The major item in it is bread. Bread is good for you, it is known also as "solid beer". Then the cheese on top is fine for your bones and teeth. Pizza provides the calcium content missing from elsewhere!

Of course, the fruit and veg side gets a big shout, as a pizza is the best route to an ultra-healthy Mediterranean diet, with that component provided by things like olives and tomatoes.

So a pizza is a banquet of health. Eating seven of them in quick succession might be a bit iffy though?

Spangles, Raiders of the lost sweeties.

Spangles were a once popular form of hard candy, sold in a square pack and were identified by means of a very 1970's font. These are no longer manufactured. This brand has reappeared after a 22 year absence though, when a tube of these was found down the back of a sofa, and subsequently sold on Ebay for a ridiculous sum! Spangles can stand as a metaphor for the nutritional goodness which is waiting to be rediscovered in the odd and neglected corners of your lifestyle!

This is one which tends to come in handy in periods of extreme poverty, such as when you're spent out after a party, or upgraded to that new graphics card.

WARNING! The author of this article, and the publishers of this diskzine take no responsibility any ill-effects suffered by people who decide to eat the strange-looking cheese that they scrape out from under the cooker!

Comedy food ...

... or nurse get me a surgeon for my sides have split!

This is a favourite for demo parties when you are in a strange country in a supermarket far from home, and trying out some new shopping habits.

Comedy foods are random junk food looking items that are picked up from supermarket shelves, but with names that are arse-tearingly funny to non-natives of that country. Names such as "Arse-biskuit" or "Knobe-cheese". This gets the local inhabitants shaking their heads, and wondering what the problem is with those strangely smelling foreign people?

The typical comedy food item is frequently passed around and laughed at a lot before they are eaten. Laughing exercises the facial muscles, and makes you feel good overall. As laughter is the best medicine, comedy food is perhaps the ultimate health food!

CiH, May '05

Yes, it is him really, with a fake beard, and an even faker medical diploma!