I hate real life
I don't know. This week's real life was great but the previous sucked. I thought of writing this article enough days ago but my mood changed about it after. Fortunately, I had another 2 bad days period now in order to give me food for this. I found out that the problem is not really real life but me. However, I'll give it a try, since there are still some things that I wanted to point out.
Enough months before arriving at Germany, I was feeling oppresed by various situations. A lot of things making me worry since years, messing up with my feelings. No peace at home. I wanted to live for a long period in a different place, alone, away from my parents. I don't say that my parents are the problem, however they are a serious burden that keeps me in a miserable condition. The thought was that I needed serenity in order to escape from my vicious cycles. That's how the trip to Karlsruhe arised.
The so called "Project Self-Reboot" was planned for the times I would be at my place of serenity. Now, I almost don't remember what exactly I had in my mind back then. My brain started working more clearly here, however it's not the way I was thinking it. Self-Reboot is like "Drop out, turn on, tune in", to erase your mind entirely (forget everything that dominates your neural cells and thus feelings), making it work again and take care of your worries starting from ground-zero. A reboot or reset of myself really. Originated from something my friend Antitec told me once: "This world needs a reset". I was as much a mess as the world. But I am still a mess. To really think nothing out of everything and change your brains is impossible.
I was thinking it like reaching my place and laying down on the bed. Relaxing while emptying any bad thought from my mind. Taking a deep breath. Touching the bottom. I have enough time for myself. My wish was: "Please, share some of your free and peaceful(?) time you gained now, in order to find answers to the matters that have haunted you for years.". Suddenly a question was raised. "What's the matter with you anyway?". I wanted straight answers but I never helped towards that really. I was also thinking of analyzing my worries strictly by writing my thoughts on paper or html, not just by talking with myself during dark feelingful walks. I wanted to have answers to all of my worries as fast as possible, bases to trust (isn't that evil?), a new state of mind that would give me the energy to overpass my problems and feel better with myself. It wouldn't work! After some time, I found the alternative solution: I just needed to be aware of my problems and think of them as simply as assembly. To know who I am, to be content with that. If there are worries that are complex and have to be thought strictly and deeply analyzed, this won't be finished now of course! I just had to relax and find some simple answers for the moment (perhaps even more simple than people would ever think). The trip to another place and my new life worked automatically towards that purpose. My mind cleared up and meditated on parts like assembly, showing me the way for the future.
The first illumination came from an Erasmus friend coming from UK (Probably the greatest guy around :). We got a sit while waiting for my Strassenbahn (However, I knew there isn't any coming after 1:00 at midnight) and shared a talk about things that worried me. That night was like a level-10 "Carpe Diem" spell as I use to say :). In a summary, he suggested me to be content with myself and just have a time. I forget that thing sometimes.
The second thought came after worries and beer. Weeks after the first if I recall well. I accepted the things that I am and the issues I can't help.
I accepted that real life is not for me.
Actually, the most important disclosure was the way I was treating real life matters, at least at the rare moments I cared to do so. It was like I was trying to show to the people that I also have the so called "real life", or perhaps making myself believe that. Which is wrong because what I should really be doing now is enjoying life and not pretending that I have one, reflecting upon the predefined settings of society. It's pretty scary to find out that I am still feeling content via the wrong motives! Sometimes I please myself by saying that I was pretty talkative and cool at today's meeting, while it's very possible that I'll be feeling very lame and unsuccesful at the next one. Do you know that my real life happens to be pretty rich here in Karlsruhe, unlike what it was like at my homeplace? Did I ever had a cycle of so many friends and social opportunities at daily meetings and parties back in Thessaloniki? Then why the hell do I still worry? Because my "real life" is not that social today as it was yesterday and I have to show that every fuckin moment? Bullshit!
My UK friend told me about the people who are supposed to be "cool" but they feel so according to the social settings, nevertheless they constantly have to take care of preserving their image. To him, they are afraid persons in deep and this is not really being cool. A nerd who is truly aware of the geeky things he does and why he likes them, is light years ahead cool than any person who tries to match predefined patterns of what is supposed to be "cool". The whole view reminds me of what I was, one of the afraid persons again, with the only difference that I could never be successful at real life as they are supposed to be. My case is special. I was at a very weird hybrid state, like beeing a geek who worries about not having a "life" but then decides to remain geek, thinking it back again however. Then, since it was impossible for me to grasp real life, I became reactive to it instead (as much as my current texts might seem). That's the other side of being afraid. Anyway, if I had peace in my mind then I would just choose to have a time as my UK friend puts it. Things already started to clear up in fact. I got the enlightenment since the first days of my stay, it's just a matter of time anymore. I am happy to have some good beliefs to base upon now, which are helping me to get out of vicious cycles.
Some other cases which opened my eyes and made me wonder what the hell is going on with me: Oppressing myself to go to social meetings even if I am not having the mood. The results are funny! It happened twice, when there was a meeting I was pushing myself to go. I was very late and so I didn't found any person. They had probably gone to another place. Instead of searching around or phoning someone, I found it an excuse to leave for home! It was like waiting for the Strassenbahn, travelling for around 15 minutes, making a station at the nearest Donner store (notice also that I didn't cared about beeing on my time), walking for around 30 minutes, paying a visit to a netcafe near the place I should be and then saying to myself "Oh well, I am bored to search for my friends, I think it's better to go home". Great!!! Even if it seems like having an ignorance about the lost meeting, nasty voices annoyed me after my choice to abandon: "Why?", "You should be there now!", "Where is your life? I can't see it!". I call that instance "going forth and then back". The reasons? I tried to not be myself. I tried to go to social meetings just for the sake of it and not because I really enjoy them!
A honest question: Do I really? It's true that there exist some rare moments when I feel so nice at parties or in a bar. Most times however, hanging around in places with loud music rendering you unable to talk, seems boring to me. Sometimes, even if it's possible to talk, I can't find anything interesting to say. Othertimes, I keep worrying about that (see "bad image of not having a supposed real life"), struggling to find anything to say. What's the point anyway? I will be at the same place tomorrow, trying to improve my always "bad" unsocial image! Times are passing either like this or by feeling bored and just sit there in the corner drinking my beer.
I can sum it up in one quote: Emotions are motivations, motives share motion.
Motion is a part of the word emotion. Emotions are like little sparks that result in your actions. The ones that are behind all of your choices in life. It might sound logical and so you might say that you already know that, but wonder whether you are truly aware of the feelings and the inner reasons that drove you to do some things. And how about their sources? Another interesting thing is that people tend to judge a lot (Have you seen the movie "Apocalypse Now!" btw?). The controversy could be either people or actions, but I will concentrate on the second. What if people suddenly stopped claiming good or evil in every thing that they do and tried to discover the inner motives behind their actions instead? If you are feeling bad, clearing up your mind and thinking honestly why do you feel so, would be a medicine. This will be an alternative point of view of your matters. Be careful that all the judgement and messages you are getting about every little insignificant detail of your life, might even distort your struggle to find the inner reasons behind your actions.
Simply ask yourself why did you choose to take part in a specific life activity, why do you feel good or bad by something, why do you have some kind of wishes in your life? Most probably (under my own view), some predictable answers will pop up. Notice that they might be hurried excuses to your question, hiding the real reasons from your point of view. In fact, the real answers are kept much deeper inside yourself. Being born in a society, it's to be expected (inevitable I could say) that your brain is constantly being bombed by ideas since the day you were born. Ideas that shadow some truths about yourself. I call them settings. It's like automata (mechanisms) in your brain that trigger feelings into your soul. Can it be that if you get emotions after a logical answer, then it must be true? I say no, for it can be but it cannot also. Don't let emotions deceive you. However, you should listen to their music and unveil their real sources. I will tell you a secret that gives me courage: As long as you feel sad or confused, nobody really knows what's the matter more than you. Nobody has given you a true answer rather than the common ones you can expect. When you are still unsattisfied, try to find the answer inside yourself. Will you pass through the settings that are messing up with your brain? You may be still deceived and think that you found the answer! As long as you keep beeing worried however, you may learn one day..
This recipe helped me to get along with my worries. It also provided me an interesting way to look at myself. I had to discover the roots behind what I am and what I have chosen to do, while accepting these things and trying to find my place in this world. I asked myself honestly why do I have to do an action or why I shouldn't, why do I like some things in life and why I hate others. Passing over what I knew before or what people/society believe about that, reveals a different answer. Which is more interesting and new for me, because I kept ignoring it unconsciously all the time. It came back from times to times but I never took it seriously then, because unwanted fears conquered my mind. How can you observe your real motives, when labels like "lame", "abnormal" or "bad" pop up in every of your thoughts? Even if I almost reached the point to understand myself through a more positive view, a voice inside told me "Your thoughts are wrong! They are just escapades from the problem. Why do you avoid looking how bad you are?". Even if I am avoiding the problem with excuses as my voices say, I truly believe that it was a better thing to do, for I could become even more confused and worried if I continued listening to them. My mind would be never clear then, making it impossible to solve my problems honestly. Instead, I moved on to the other side and wondered "It's all about the things that I am and I do, which get a lot of judge either from society but mostly from myself really. Why don't I share a look at the good elements that drove me till this point instead? The ones I don't see!"
I can think of some nice examples that I heard from friends. Someone told me about one of his friends (whom I haven't met) who simply claimed "I don't listen to music. Why should I? I don't like it! Simply like that!" That's the pretty extreme one, which made an impression on me actually! Who would ever dare to say something like that? It's so common that everyone in this world listens to a kind of music (And it really makes me wonder why some people insert "music" or "going out" into their hobbies list..). Quite a scary answer but a honest one I believe. The second example is what a friend told me, after my constant worries for not having a girlfriend. "You have to first ask the right questions", he told me. "Do you really want a girlfriend?", "Why would you need one?", "Which are your motives? How strong are these in comparison to the struggle needed in order to achieve your goal?", "What are you planning to share with her in case you get one?". Actually, only the two first ones were set by my friend, the others are an interesting follow up provided by myself. I have never asked these questions before and I still don't fully know the answers! This points out that mostly my fears rather than me, pushed me in this quite complex issue.
I just came back from another real life party. After a dead period of more than one week actually, in obscure times where I found CPC coding (and of course writing this text too) more interesting than any social meetings I didn't attend. The party was called finnish national Abend, where it is supposed they tried to proove that they are more crazy than me :). Or that's what I say (No, I am not famous in our Erasmus cycle yet!), but it was so interesting or funny to learn there, what to avoid saying to Finnish people or that there are no polar bears in north Europe ;) The most funny period however, was when a girl in the Norwegian cycle told me "You should not say that your hobby is computers. It's dangerous!", humorous of course. I remember that the first time I met her and asked her what does she study, she said "I am studying informatics, but informatics is not my hobby. It's only my job!" =) She told that once again today and noticed that she tries to point this out everytime! Perhaps she already knows and she doesn't even tell me that she is a hiding geek actually ;). It reminds me the time, when a Spanish friend tried to introduce me to a particular sweet French girl like this: "This is Michael, a great programmer from Greece!" =). I must had enough good mood then (perhaps it was the beer once again), for I have been joking with answers like "No! You shouldn't tell that to her!!!", "She doesn't need to know that.", "You might scare her away" =). Reminds me a really funny image I found on Pouet, showing a frustrated geek and a girl leaving away from him, with the text "Why do girls always leave away, when I tell them that I am a computer programmer? ... Because it applies that you are boring as hell!". Hahahaha!!!
I didn't intend to change the text mood back to irony. I just thought that it would be a good day to finish it. Normally, I had more ideas to burn, it's better however that I set an end for now. Ideas never end, same as worries. If they would, then I wouldn't have a soul. Perhaps in another article..
Optimus / Dirty Minds