The Joyous Miracles of Dosso
The sun burst through the clouds and filled the streets with golden light. Dosso and his devotees were about to get some booze when he sensed somebody's anguish.
"Behold, fools!" He started to tremble and his followers started to nod.
A crowd gathered around to see what the commotion was about. They had heard of Dosso, but few people had seen him perform his renowned miracles.
"Come forth slap-ass," he beckoned, "let me taketh away your pain."
A haggared boy stumbled forward and collapsed at Dosso's feet and wept.
"Oh help me your highness. I am sick, I hath blisters upon my arms and scabs over my palate," he whined, and he sounded like Alf.
"What's your name, you pocket jerker?"
"My name, Sire, is Elwin."
Dosso's mate fancied a yoghurt for lunch, but someone gave him a Cadbury's animal biscuit on the sly.
Dosso gazed down at the weak youngster and shed a tear. "Elwin...Your mam's a slug."
"I hate to disagree, Sire, and undermine your status, but she is not that," the boy replied.
"Say it!! Say it now, Elwin, or I'll break your arms!"
The crowd drew nearer, their mouths open in anticipation.
"But Sire, this is not the way Jesus used to do things. Why dost thou wish me to berate my own mother?"
Dosso gritted his teeth. "I do not! Think about it."
Elwin pondered over the matter. "Then shall I be cured, your mighty master?"
"Get it?" Dosso placed his hands over the boys face. "May your pain be as insignificant as your bollocks!" he yelled.
There was a sudden flash and Elwin jumped in the air and began to sing. "I'm cured, oh my, it's Dosso and his miracles, they do bring forth the Kremlin...la de da"
Indeed he was cured and the crowd were stunned. They began to clap and cheer. One man pretended to play a ukulele, another pretended to play a trumpet.
"Dosso! Oh lord, please show us more!" cried a giant with a shovel.
"Who wants to see the bloated frog miracle?" asked Dosso.
The crowd cheered with all their might. Five people died under the strain.
"So it shall be!"
He pointed at Elwin, who then turned into a frog. The crowd were awed by this.
Suddenly, a sailor with some beans barged through the bystanders and stamped on the frog. There was a long silent pause, then Dosso began to dribble.
"You can say that again!" he said. But no one laughed.
The End...of part one...