Party Report: Porky's Disco 2003

By Shanethewolfthedog/Fearmoths

Me, Ultimate Gas, The Incredulous Hulf and Lovely Bladder arrived at the party at 6pm. Porky was behind schedule and was racing around like mad making preparations. We didn't want to get in the way so we sat on the wall outside chatting to each other and dribbling spit over some moss. I threw some of the moss in Lovely Bladder's hair and she promised to get revenge later in the night so I had to be on guard.

While we were waiting some more of the guests arrived. Hollywood/Axis, Darkus/Digital, Ghandy/Scarab, Modem/Darkage and Lanch/Trinity were the only sceners I knew and none of them spoke to me. There is still some bad feelings between us. The VIP guests Nigel Mansell and Stuart Anderson turned up in a taxi and greeted everyone with handshakes. Then we heard some music. The garage door opened and standing in front of us was Porky!! Time to partay!

Porky's opening ceremony was excellent. He told a lot of great jokes, did a lot of impressions and tied in some dazzling magic tricks and illusions for us. When he was finished he wheeled his computer onto the driveway and darts legend Eric Bristow welcomed the guests via video link! Everyone was excited about this but his language was foul and Porky had to cut him off because of the younger guests.

Then it was time for the first competition - the Puppet Battle! Entrants were all expected to bring their own homemade sock puppets and pit them against each other in a fight to submission. It was a good battle which was won by some fat kid called Simon, but before he got his prize he had to go on to the final battle with Jim, Porky's bulterrier. This really got out of control! Simon kept whacking Jim who ripped up Simon's puppet and cut his fingers up pretty badly. He tried to bite Hollywood/Axis who climbed up a tree to escape. Then he went after some of the other guests but Porky fed him some sausages and got him back inside. Porky declared himself the winner of this competition and kept the prize (a snooker cue) for himself.

(Since the party I have heard some sad news. One night Jim was helping the police to chase a burglar. He went into the road and got hit by a car. He was rushed to hospital in the back of a police car but died before they arrived. He died a hero and his courage will never be forgotten. Thanks for the memories Jim).

It was time for the interval. Porky had to go and have his tea and no guests are allowed on his appartment at this time. A few of us went to the chip shop and the curry house and some of the others hung about in the street listening to Porky's wireless.

When Porky returned he introduced the Scottish star Stuart Anderson to us. He has grown up a lot since I last saw him but he still has a lot of talent. He performed some tracks from his album "Acts Naturally" and put on a great show. Porky was in the background doing karate. It didn't go with the music but it was impressive to see.

When this was over it was time for the second competition - Nigel Mansell's Listening Game. The basic rules say you have to put your ear by Nigel's mouth and guess what sound he's making. If you guess wrong or your time limit expires he will bite your ear and you are out. A lot of people got their ears bitten and some of them cried. Darkus/Digital tried to pick a fight with him but Porky told him to leave. In the end the competition was ruled a no contest and Porky kept the prize (a bottle of dandelion and burdoch pop) for himself.

I was looking forward to Porky's traditional stunt show but I found out it was cancelled this year because his bike had a flat tire. So we moved onto the Brick Throwing Contest. The aim of the game is to break one of the church's windows by throwing bricks from a long distance. As in previous years the winner was expected to cover damages. I took part but I wasn't really trying because my mum and dad would give me a hiding if I broke the church windows. Last year it was ex-Fearmoth's member Bloner who won and he had to go and say sorry to the vicar and pay for the damage and clean up the mess. I don't think anybody tried very hard this year because no one won and Porky kept the prize (a chisel and screwdriver set) for himself.

It was turning out to be a disappointing night and nobody was in the mood. Lovely Bladder had to go home and she never got her revenge for the moss incident. Other guests started leaving at 8pm and there was only about 10 people left. Some young girls joined the party but they were just taking the piss out of Porky calling him a mongol and a ponce and stuff like that. I think that hurt his feelings because he got really mad and threatened to get his dad's rifle. This made the girls run off and the party continued.

It was time for the long awaited Breakdancing Duel. Entrants had to go head to head with Porky and the other guests voted on their performance. This was stunning! Porky demonstrated the technospin and bellabong and an arsenal of new and never attempted moves. Ultimate Gas did a nice windmill and probably would have won but Porky disqualified him. Porky won in the end and remained champion.

Porky's mum went off to bingo so we had the place to ourselves. It was time for the Houdini Challenge! This was a new event where entrants are tied up and have to lie in a ditch (Porky had dug three ditches the day before). They have five minutes to escape before they are buried. They are given a long pipe to avoid suffocation but it's still very scary. I took part in this one with Ghandy/Scarab and a HTML coder called Ulf. I lay in the ditch with the pipe sticking out of my mouth, my feet roped together and my hands tied behind my back. I was starting to wish I hadn't entered this challenge but I broke free after three minutes and was declared the winner! When the timer reached five minutes we started kicking the soil over Ghandy and Ulf. At this moment Ghandy got loose and rolled out of the ditch. He was covered in dirt and was very distressed. But poor Ulf never made it. We just piled the soil on top of him until he was totally covered and patted it down with a spade. We left his pipe sticking out the top so he could breath and we all went inside. Porky gave me my prize which was a Scalectrix!! I couldn't believe it. All the other prizes were crap but this was the best of the night.

Some people decided to watch Teenwolf and other people played with the budgie or watched some demos on the computer. Every 10 minutes someone went out to check Ulf's pipe to make sure he was still breathing. It was quite funny because he kept screaming and trying to talk through it but no one understood what he was saying. After we had finished watching Teenwolf we decided to dig him up. If he wasn't still tied up he would have punched someone I reckon! But he just sat on the grass and started crying until we untied him. We offered to spray him down with a hose but he didn't want to and went home instead.

Porky's mum would be due back so it was time for everyone to leave. Me, Ultimate Gas, Incredulous Hulf and Lanch/Trinity kept fooling around telling Porky he would have to force us out. It was well funny but Porky pretended to change into a lizard and started attacking us. He threw a snooker ball at Lanch and it hit him on the head. He pretended to laugh but it was well nasty and we knew it hurt him. Porky was growling and gritting his teeth and we could see he was getting out of control. We offered to help Lanch but he told us to run away and save ourselves so we left him there. I grabbed my Scalectrix and legged it outside.

And that was the end of Porky's Disco 2003. On the whole it was a bit disappointing compared to previous years but I will definitely be there again next year.


Porky's Opening Ceremony
Stuart Anderson
The Houdini Challenge
Lots of guests
Good music


No stunt show
Eric Bristow
Ruined competitions
Porky going out of control

Competition Results:

Puppet Battle - Porky & Jim
Nigel Mansell's Listening Game - No Contest
Breakdancing Duel - Porky
Brickthrowing - No contest
Houdini Challenge - Shanethewolfthedog/Fearmoths