The Global village idiot news.

The Honest Liar

Welcome to the incredible world of non-truth. In this section there will be lies, lies and damn huge, whale size lies. All characters and events in this section are purely fictional.

The much touted Microsoft x-box has been cancelled and all development has stopped. It has been renamed the ex-x-box. Rumours about the adult version (the ex-ex-x-box) have been strongly denied.

Bill Gates is suffering from a rare and deadly illness of which there is no known cure. He will suffer a long and painful death and be forced to watch the flickering blue screen of death for at least 10 hours per day. Okay, not really, but it's good to dream once in a while.

Panda-bears, aren't they cute?

Kippers, those well known fish, have evolved into strange hybrids due to water population from a shoe factory. Their skin has softened and they often jump out of rivers onto people's feet. These new hybrids will be called: slippers.

Coding genius, Eggberto Heado, has sadly died while developing his latest A.I. software masterpiece. His last words were "Eureka!" as he jumped from his bath then electricuted himself after switching on his PC.

Microsoft has been taken to Court today. Tomorrow it's the park, then next week it's off to the zoo.

Yogi Bear, isn't he cute?

High speed, 100% free internet access for everyone on the planet is due to start tomorrow. But, as some smart arse pointed out "Tomorrow never comes".

The Scene is dead and that's official. Well over 10000 sceners attended the funeral and watched as the large coffin of The Culture Few was lowered into the ground. Everyone said how much they would miss the scene using a vast series of networks and laptops to send each other emails. The vicar said, "Hey, whats all these f***ing cables doing in my church? and how can the scene be dead if there are 10000 of you here now?"

Grizzly bears, aren't they big and scary?

Girls don't like the Internet and boys all want to be train drivers or play football. This latest government report also states that Bill Clinton did not inhale, Elvis lives, Pingu the penguin is the anti-Christ and upgrading your machine will prevent it crashing.

A vast selection of legal software and pirated freeware programs were discoverd by police today, damn! wrong house again (sorry about the front door and the body cavity search Mr Gates).

Teddy bears, aren't they cuddly?

Net crime is on the increase once again. Various countries have formed a new task force to address this global problem. The chief of police said, "We take net crime very seriously. We will do our best to catch those criminals who steal other people's nets." Fishermen greeted the news with happy, happy, joy, joy faces and rather fishy smelling hands.

A new technology law came into effect today, anyone using the words "Gfx, graphix, graphing or grapfix" instead of the correct term "graphics" will be made to use Microsoft Paint to draw all their gfx on. (Doh!)

NASA has finally found some life on Mars. After billions of US dollars and many late nights in the lab watching the Playboy channel scientists have found life on Mars. It's a simple bacteria on some old chocolate bars in Mr. Wibbly's sweet shop.

Still smarting from the Mars the choccie bar and Mars the planet mistake NASA have released plans about their next mission, to find some fluff on Uranus.

The cost of PC hardware has dropped in price yet again but sadly the price of software and the cost of ringing a technical support helpline has more than doubled.

Tiger Woods, is he really a tiger? or just a phrase used in a wildlife documentary programme about how big cats reproduce?

The term 'PC' will soon be replaced with the Apple computer inspired 'iPC' then 'iPC2000' and then 'x-iPC2000' and then 'interactive x-iPC2000' and finally back to 'PC' once everyone has realised how lame those stupid gimmicks and names are.

Virtual Reality will replace Reality during the next few decades, according to scientists, "Well, virtually replace it".

Artic Bears, can they really draw?

A man from down-under has broken the world record for saying the word "Arse" the most number of times. (Gee, some people have got TOO much free time.)

The Welsh language is set to become the number one global language. Every person in every country will be forced to learn and speak Welsh, except the Welsh people who will be forced to speak English backwards while on a pogo-stick covered in grease.

A-hoy shipmates! Until last week sailors were the number one buyers of new PC and related hardware. They bought more gadgets than the Army and Air-force combined, until someone pointed out that PC ports can't be filled with water, used to park their boats or to pick up 'women with loose morals' on a Friday night.

"People who play violent video games are 10 times more likely to die in a plane crash than people who don't." This report comes from the specialist paper magazine, "Airplane pilots who play Tetris while landing a plane monthly".

A new tax is to be introduced by the Monkeyslap Corporation next year. It will cost the average PC Windoze user over 500 US dollars per month. The new tax is called, "the M$ technical support line 2001".

Gimmicks, gadgets, grabbers and gizmos are just some words which all start with the letter 'g'. More news at 11.

The famous (c) Copyright symbol is at the center of a huge copyright infringement case in court today. Apparently the (c) symbol was secretly copyrighted by its inventor many decades ago, so in fact everyone who has (c) copyrighted their work have in fact broken a copyright law themselves.

Crackers, hackers, packers, trackers and Quakers. One of these doesn't belong in the demo scene, can you guess which one is it children? That's right! Quakers. (That was a preview of the new interactive children's TV programme called: Seaseme Scene Street. It features Burt, Ernie and Big-bird all getting busted by the FBI for hacking into the NASA web site and replacing all the space shuttle blue-prints with JPEGs of the Cookie-monster.)

That well known fast food clown, Ronald McDonald, has been arrested in a park. A mother called the police when she overheard him ask her children "Hey kids, who wants to follow me and put their hands on my big whopper?"

The Internet is bad, Books are good. This is the latest advertisement slogan from www.amazon.com.

Yesterday a French graphics artist started a 20 year long prison sentence after he drew obscene pictures on his monitor using a mouse. The police said, "This is one of the worst cases of animal cruelty we have seen in a long time. It took hours to get the fur and blood off the screen".

Kola bears, do they really taste like chicken?

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