Some random text about random pixels.
a PP8 freak
Welcome dear readers to potty palettes, badly drawn objects and terrible shading.... Yes folks, it's time for another installation of the low budget comedy featuring our graphics hero, Hue N. Largement, and his loyal side-kick Phil Ter.
Hue uncovers a secret room in which the evil Adobe clan are plotting to destroy the entire world, or at least that horrible hotel and its bad tempered landlady, Miss Take. There on the desk are the secret plans scribbled on a scrap of paper. Hue sends his pet mouse along the floor to retrieve the plans.
Meanwhile Phil jumps straight in without reading the manual first and finds himself nose-to-nose with the ugly looking Adobe interface. This won't be a pretty sight, watching a grown man cry and ask himself why he had paid so much for this software.
Success! Hue's pet mouse rolls back to him with the paper safely in its teeth, not an easy task with no legs and only one ball covered in fluff.
After many hours using his favourite crayons (trying not to go over the lines with the colouring-in) Hue managed to turn the plan into a badly drawn underwater scene. Now, where could he hide such a vital drawing? The whole world, the landlady's life and a small, grubby looking hotel in Skegness depends on it.
A spark of inspiration hit him. It was a place where no-one would look, a dark place where even SAS bats wearing night-goggles wouldn't be able to see the image..... A Hugi background!
Now, he needed to find the secret location of the deadly Adok chief. A fearsome individual whose powers were great, whose editorials could start wars and whose ego could crush most enemies simply by being on-line.
Fourteen hours later and Hue found himself at the base of a vast pyramid structure. The dusty wind choked his senses, but using the blades of evening light which broke through the edges of the dry clouds he saw a small entrance.
He had two choices, either to wait six months while Phil Ter recovered in hospital from the Adobe ambush, or to venture inside by himself, armed with only a burning torch and a jumbo size bottle of Coke.
The passageways inside were tiny and gave an uneasy feeling, although this might just be the bubbles from the coke. ;) He had to face it, he was lost. This was embarassing especially after he had taken all that money from those American tourists on the way in.
A sudden gust of wind blew out his flaming torch. So there he was with 57 American tourists somewhere inside the dark passageways of the Hugi pyramid. It was lucky for Hue, they couldn't see his red face in the dark. That sudden gust of wind also came from drinking his coke too fast, but this time the legs of his trousers flapped like a wig in a wind tunnel.
But wait, there was a small spec of light. "Oh no, some more lame shading of TAD's", said one of the tourists. "Shut up", screamed Hue, "and pass me those bicycle-clips so I can hold down the legs on my trousers".
Behold, the Hugi Effigy stood before them like a icon, except this didn't change colour when you move over it.
Hue grabbed his scratched magnifying glass and took a closer look at the base of the effigy. It had some strange enscriptions and they were extremely difficult to read. "Stoopid TAD chose the wrong font again, bloody moron!" muttered one of the tourists. "Hey, we are just in this story to supply bad jokes about TAD's bad drawing skills", said another. "Does anyone know where the bathroom is?" asked a large, bodybuilder type, "I really need to go pee-pee".
Hue twisted the round enscription stone then waited for something to happen...
The tourists started to mutter amongst themselves, saying how bad Hue was at being a tour guide and asking why he carried a large mouse mat and didn't clean his keyboard more often. "Shut up!", yelled Hue, "I can hear something moving on the sand". There was a brief moment of silence. The sound stopped and the large tourist said, "Sorry, that was me. I really needed to pee."
From beneath the small, wet patch of sand came a strange movement (and this time it wasn't the coke bubbles). A huge, fat spider-like creature emerged gripping a globe in its hideous fangs like a police chief eating a doughnut.
All of a sudden the floor collapsed sending everyone into the large chamber below and the spider fell into a small glass container with a precision which only a bad writer could use to avoid having to think up anything more believable. The crowd dusted themselves down and gathered around the trapped spider creature.
Hue finished off the last of his coke, wiped his mouth and looked at the container more closely. His spirit lifted by reading the word "HUGI". He was getting closer to his goal. Soon he would know the mystery of the Adok legend.
Above him like a series of square stone steps was a series of square stone steps. "Coor, this writer is really running out of ideas", remarked a tourist. "Yeah, he doesn't know how to finish the story, that's why", replied another.
After a short while and 57 characters (including spaces) Hue had reached the top of the stone staircase. There before him was a brilliant white light and he realised that the top of the pyramid was in the shape of some stone letters.
However implausible it might be, he was now standing on top of a huge circle of letters a few miles above the ground. Strange purple clouds collected around his feet and he thought to himself, "Damn, that coke must have been out of date or something..."
Then came a voice thundering from the sky, like a god who has just finished connecting up his new microphone and amp system and wants to annoy all of his elderly neighbours at 2.00am.
"Hue", said the voice.
Hue shook in his boots, whether it was the shock of hearing the voice of god, or simply the excess of gas contained within his trouser legs, this writer is unable to tell. He replied in a nervous manner, "Is that you god? Do you exist?"
There was a long, long, long pause...
"Yes, what is it?"
"Hue, don't be a total arse! I am just Adok, his prophet, and I command thee to turn down the brightness on your crap graphics!"
"Oh!", sighed Hue, "same old Adok..."
And with this he sank his empty coke bottle in the Hugi fountain, collected the holy water and took the Mickey-Mouse death slide on the far side of the stone circle down to the ground.
Pausing briefly to buy a post-card he walked in the direction of the exit and promised himself, "Never to visit Euro-Disney again".
And that folks, is the end of this Hugi adventure.