Existance. The land of sand
Avalanche / Trinity
As I saw remarkable images floating by, I imagined imperfection within my eye. Dreamt of all the worlds that never were and never should be, felt a gentle mood rising away. I stood there then to embark on the most important journey of my life, the molding of my future. Taking the material that is my life and turning it into a work of art. Then as before, chaos slipped through my fingers, random possibilities of future past, history of things that did not yet happen, I saw within my memories. I aspired to bring chaotic order to my existance, but I failed. I failed so horribly. I have become now, a destroyer of entire existance, not one realm of existance, but thousands. Thousands, that once were there but now never were, existing only in the demented place that is my memory, and I grief.
An ability to render images within my brains, worlds, full of feelings. Within these universae that i created, entire worlds evolved, cultures sprang, from a tiny seed. Thousands of civilizations, producing works of art, waging terrible wars, discovering existance. Theirs, which is but a delusion of mine.
And as I stood there upon that rock, overlooking the endless desert, I saw yellow, and each grain of sand was a world to my eye. Each grain of sand, a world in itself, eroding this one when combined with the wind. These life-giving worlds, tearing the flesh of the deceased, to reveal bone. And I could not leave. Stuck in that eternal desert that is my memory, desiring after that other place, that sense of mystery, where I did not understand. To understand is a terrible thing, it causes us to see things as they truly are, pain, injustice, suffering.....
And to make things worse, we know these matters are irrelevant, we understand where they come from, we understand that they are but subjective ponderings of the few who dare ponder them, and we realize that there is no injustice, for there is no justice. Indeed, to understand is a terrible thing, it takes tremendous effort not to subdue to the pressure, it takes away our energy if we let it, our stamina. Some put their faith into gods and superstitions, it allows them to live with the chaos that is existance, but we understand that there are no gods, and if there are, they won't be there to help us. We are alone, and so we have nowhere to turn to but ourselves, insanity follows.
But then we marvel at the complexity of things around us, ourselves. We understand it, and yet it amazes us. Amazes us so much more than it did when we did not understand it. Now we can learn to survive, to go on with the emptiness, for it is no longer an empty gap in our essence, it is a caressing breeze, comforting us as we go along. And this, and this alone....
Makes me go on.
It is this place that I find myself in today, waiting till I die. For then comes the day that i shall no longer exist, all the pain, all the joy, shall be gone forever. At least for me. All the roads that I have travelled will still be there, so that others may traverse them. All the sights that I have seen, will still be there, only slightly different, to each passing eye. Then as before, I shall be what I once was, nothing. No existance.
And who will grief my death? Only those that one day will be grieved over themselves..... and then? Then they will be the ones remembered, and I forgotten, for those that are then remembered, were the ones who remembered me.
Avalanche / Trinity