How To Get Famous!

Written by Makke


Are you ready to get famous? I'm going to instruct you JUST how to make a kick-ass super-hit that will climb the charts like a rocket!

You don't even have to be skilled! All you need is some hardware and be totally freed from care, moral and don't give a damn about copyrights and royalties.

Here's the hardware you need:

- Something to sample with, preferably a synthesizer or a computer (with a soundcard).

- Some old records with big hits from the 70's and early 80's.

- A microphone that you can plug into your sampler-device.

- A cool voice. (This is not neceasary. But it could make it easier. If you don't have a cool voice you can ask a friend, preferably a black person: 'cuz they often have cool voices.)

Now you are ready to make a hit!

This is how you do it:

(1) Find a cool hit from the 70's and 80's records.

(2) Steal a nice loop, but try to keep it as short as possible. If you sample too much it can be hard to bend the copyright laws, and you'll get sued. (Try to get a loop where the drums aren't playing, 'cuz then it's easier to put a nice, not to mention monotonous, drum-loop on it.)

(3) Now you just use the loops you have and arrange them nicely in WAVE-studio or likewise.

(4) Make up some cool lyrics that contain a lot of the following words: "YO", "EVERY BODY IN THE HOUSE", "WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR", "COME-ON!", "HIT ME", "LET ME HEAR YOU SAY (SOMETHING LIKE 'YOU-HO-HI-HO')", "YEAH" (if you want it to be even cooler you should pronounce 'yeah' more like 'yeh') - etc. - etc. (If you don't have the imagination to make a good chorus just use the one from the HIT you sampled the rest from.)

(5) Record the lyrics and use some sort of RANDOM technique to spread the lyrics out so that the song doesn't sound logical (people seem to appreciate that, and will think that there's a deeper meaning with the lyrics).

(6) Burn your track on a CD and send it to a record company. Preferably a BIG company that can give you a nice commercial boost in the back with a LARGE promotion-campaign.

Now you just wait and let the radio-channels that play "popular" music start play your song (believe me they will - if the record-company only show a commercial-spot about your song on MTV two or three times), and "SWAOUGH!", you are famous! Hopefully rich too!

You don't have to thank me for my tips, just make sure I get a little greeting in the record-cover.

- Makke / Comic Pirates